My Sins Your Hands
by UllaBritta
Summary: A story about vices and lust. And being able to let go.


Robert Small hated getting attached to anything or anyone and put on a show and spun his web of lies to confuse and throw off. When in reality his attachment was so great that it killed him on the inside. The whiskey, the drugs, people in his life, even the piece of crap on four wheels he called a car were things he could not let go. The only way for him to release his hold on anything was to wrench it out of his hands. Love and hatred were bound tightly in his chest and it constricted around his heart and the things he refused to give up, making each valiant effort painful, full of sorrow and self-loathing.

Joseph Christiansen was his opposite in every way thinkable. Smiling and bathing in light, the man didn't seem to have a care in the world. Now, Robert was no fool, he figured that Joseph probably did have some issues to deal with: like his favourite khakis turning pink when a red sock accidently slipped into the washing machine. On instinct, Robert disliked the man from the beginning.

Until…

Robert was stumbling home in the dark, heading back to his empty house and the key wouldn't fit the lock no matter how he jiggled and cursed at it. It was late autumn and the nights were getting cold, though the whiskey in his bloodstream kept him warm. He gave up and slid down with his back to the door and head slumped forwards, prepared to sleep on his porch outside until the morning brought with it light and some sobriety.

The stumbling and cursing hadn't been quiet enough and Joseph found him. Robert didn't struggle when the man helped him up and inside, and he didn't much care about what did or didn't happen to him now. He was all alone and far away from Brooklyn, the place he still called home, with only ol' Jack Daniels as his companion. Even when Marilyn and Val were still in the house, he had still picked Jack over them…

Joseph had helped him that night and greeted him with a smile once they came across each other several days later like nothing was out of the ordinary. There was no judgement or pity in his eyes and Robert appreciated that. With that Joseph had earned a bit of his respect.

* * *

As time went by Robert and Joseph starting talking more, usually across the fence or when they bumped into each other in the grocery store. It was casual chit-chat mostly about pointless things and Robert sometimes telling stories about adventures that may or may not have happened. He enjoyed making people guess if he was serious or not. Joseph would tell him about his kids and teens who acted like the little jerks they were and he would be there to, hopefully, lead them in a better direction. Or at least, clean up the mess after stupid pranks involving things like the church organ and staples.

Soon circumstances led Robert to find himself at Joseph's house and they were spending time together. Again the difference between them was glaringly obvious: Robert house was not as clean and fresh as the living room he found himself in and it made him oddly self-conscious, sitting on the comfortable sofa in his dirty old leather jacket and with hair uncombed. Though if that was a problem then Joseph was very good at pretending it wasn't and gave him the full Guest course, with a side order of Friend and a pinch of Friendly Minister. There were even Margaritas served. Robert did not turn down a fresh and fruity drink even though officially he was a Hard Liquor kind of a man. Mary was in the house too and came in to say a disinterested Hi before she disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.

They chatted about the neighbourhood, parenting and the sea and Joseph even managed to make Robert laugh and didn't take offence to Robert's dark sense of humour. It turned out he was used to it due to being married to Mary. But at one point during their conversation, Joseph leaned over in his seat, getting closer and all his attention was focused on Robert as words full of trust flowed smoothly from his mouth.

"I wasn't always an aspiring minister… I've done and said things that hurt people Robert. You aren't the only one with a cross to bear," he confided with a soft self-deprecating smile, so different from the confidant pearly white smile he usually had ready. He continued to share stories of regret and bad decisions and it hit Robert like an electric shock to his system. This man… this seemingly impeccable man… had dirt on his hands too.

* * *

Joseph wasn't a bachelor and Robert didn't like to think of himself as one. A widower yes, a drunk sure but he didn't want to be called that to his face, a trouble-maker definitely. But a bachelor meant being back in the game and on the hunt for a partner and that was just something Robert was not emotionally ready for. He was at least honest enough to himself to admit that he was drawn to Joseph: to the man's light, his smile and comfort, and… his body. It hadn't escaped Robert that Joseph was an attractive man with a well-built figure. Being (a) drunk didn't mean he was blind.

But it boiled down to the whole not being a bachelor issue… the man was married and a father of three. And despite Robert's bad track record for giving into his various vices, he had never betrayed his wife with another or slept with someone already taken. It was one of the extremely few things he had managed to control and not succumb to. Still, fucking a stranger you pick up at a bar and then kick out in the morning was one thing (though that didn't happen very often, Robert just wasn't that kind of guy), seducing his married neighbour was a whole nother.

At the end of the day Joseph was a youth minister at the local church with a wife and kids, and Robert the mysterious neighbour with enough secrets and regrets for the entire cul-de-sac. They continued to spend time as friendly neighbours, maybe even friends, and Robert accepted invites to BBQs and listened to Joseph telling him about how his twins' first words were Wine and Shit. Robert had a good inkling who was responsible and discovered he kind of liked Mary. Yet sometimes, Joseph would look at him with an unreadable expression which confused him. Robert had asked what was on the man's mind, something he usually didn't do because he didn't want to know what was on people's mind. But Joseph had shook his head with a smile and talked about how expensive good cuts of meat had become lately. Robert dropped the subject and ignored those looks.

* * *

Robert bumped into Joseph in the evening, when he was heading back from the liquor store with a paper bag filled with bottles, cans and some protein bars. Cooking just wasn't high on his list and he relied heavily on ready-made meals from the grocery store when he actually felt hunger that beer couldn't satisfy. Being drunk and in a bad state of mind meant that some days he barely ate. The idea of not having liquor in the house available for him when he felt the need bothered him, but an empty fridge he could live with.

Joseph came down the porch stairs, called out a friendly Hey Neighbour and smiled at Robert who nodded back and dug in his jacket pocket for his keys. He didn't notice the way the corner of Joseph's mouth turned down when he saw the paper bag.

"Hey I have some leftover brownies from the bake sale. How about you come on over and we can watch a movie or something."

Robert pulled out the keys and looked at Joseph for a moment, not replying. The last few days hadn't been easy on him and the dark bags under his eyes told the tale. Memories mixed with nightmares mixed with hopes and wants made it hard for him to sleep more than an hour. He was planning to drink half a bottle and sink into a near coma and wake up sometime tomorrow or maybe the next day. Or preferably, never.

Yet seeing Joseph there, the man who offered a shoulder to lean on and didn't look down on him, made Robert hesitant to turn him down completely.

So instead Robert invited him to his house for a beer and Joseph accepted.

It was a mess, with empty cans and bottles everywhere and the smell of cigarettes lingering in the air, even though he _tried_ to smoke only on the balcony. It was the lonely home of a man who had stopped caring. Joseph didn't say anything and Robert avoided his eyes, focusing on leading him to the only place in the house that was moderately presentable: the living room.

They drank beer and talked a bit but mostly just sat there in companionable silence. Joseph was good at reading people so he thankfully left the preaching for another day. He was wearing a Jimmy Buffet Margeritaville t-shirt, which was out of the ordinary for the polo-shirt loving man, and that made him look more relaxed. He didn't stand out as glaringly as Robert had in his living room. The stereo played whatever CD was in it from last time being used and Robert reached for a second beer to keep his hands and mouth occupied. Joseph sitting relaxed in his home made him think and feel strange and complicated things. Not to mention the way Joseph glanced at him from beneath his lashes…

"You know, if you keep looking at me like that then I'll interpret it as flirting and take the bait," Robert said with a wry smile, not bothering with lies this time.

Joseph actually blushed and sputtered, and Robert had to stop himself from giggling.

But when Joseph didn't deny it or try to explain himself out of the situation, Robert grew serious and really looked at the other man.

"You wanna come upstairs?" The words were out of Roberts mouth before he could consider the implication and possibly stop himself. But he didn't want to stop. He meant it.

Joseph was silent for a second, looking flustered again, his lips moving to voice his thoughts then discarding what he meant to say and tried again.

"All right."

It wasn't love making, it was sex, bordering on fucking. And Joseph had surprised Robert with his physical strength and intensity and it was evident he had done this with a man before.

Neither of them felt any guilt.

* * *

Having been brought up Catholic meant he wasn't a stranger to faith and worship yet he had always questioned it and when his wife died and daughter left him all alone Robert turned his back fully on God and hadn't looked back. Until Joseph coaxed him back, like a parent gently coaxing a child from a tall tree they were terrified of climbing down from. It wasn't easy, Robert was a stubborn man, yet there were elements of familiarity in it which made accepting religion a bit easier to stomach.

And so Robert praised the Lord with Joseph by his side to guide him away from the darkness. Joseph, ever patient and understanding, taught him the Bible and Robert memorized the verses like he'd memorized the taste of sin. When the nights came and he felt unbearably lonely, his fingers itching to close around the cool neck of a bottle, Robert recited the verses Joseph had taught him: _"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."_ And Robert buried his head under a pillow and whispered the holy words, hiding from the world that seemed hell-bent on hurting him and trying to escape the torment his own mind and body put him through. Some nights he won, other nights he lost and Joseph came and smoothed away the prickly trembles in Robert's shoulders and hands, but never admonished him.

Joseph had endless patience, and dirty jokes meant for Robert's ears only. And even something as embarrassing yet kind like a warm blue sweater for Robert on his birthday. "I know you get cold easily," Joseph said with a chuckle and watched him pull the sweater on.

It fit perfectly.

* * *

He took to reading the Bible to get his mind off of things. Robert had this opportunity to prove that he could be a better man.

" _But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband."_

Robert stared at the verse. It definitely said something about him and…

He closed the Bible and put it away, pulling out a cigarette and lighting up instead, taking a long drag and letting it fill his lungs. He hoped the Lord turned a blind eye to the missteps of two lonely men.

Because he had no intention of stopping.

* * *

Robert would occasionally bump into Mary at Jim & Kim's and they would share a friendly drink. They had know each other for years, being neighbours and all and Maple Bay wasn't exactly Brooklyn. She wasn't anything like her husband: her sense of humour dark and biting and the Jesus praising toned down, though her conservative clothing and the large cross around her neck reminded him she was indeed the wife of a minister. But as Robert got more and more involved with said husband, having a drink with the wife rubbed at his skin just too much, the burn reminding him of his crime. So he started to avoid the bars and drank his firewater on home territory. The way Mary was starting to look at him coldly, more so than usual - practically accusatory, also helped in keeping him away.

The two men continued their affair in secret and Robert had something else to look forwards to other than a drink. Joseph proved very good at keeping their relationship under wraps while juggling married life and being a youth minister. It was both impressive and a bit disconcerting. Sometimes Robert wondered just how many secrets he was keeping hidden behind that million dollar smile. Hearing about how cold Mary was to her husband, not even touching him anymore, and also knowing the neighbourhood counted the Christiansen's as some kind of role models meant that keeping up appearance was a must. It wasn't the type of life Robert would have wanted for himself though, he quite liked his freedom and didn't much care about his personal reputation which he knew wasn't exactly great.

"I admire you, you know." Joseph voice was low and intimate in Robert's bed. "You can just get up and leave town any moment you want. No strings attached."

That was definitely a first, someone telling him they admired his life style. Too bad it wasn't necessary true, but it was a nice dream. "A state warrant and my name on a hit list prevents me from leaving Maple Bay actually. And to talk about the warrant and the hit list."

Joseph laughed softly and shifted his position, the mattress creaking from his movements and Robert's right hand searched for his cigarettes on the nightstand. The conversation stopped and Robert's thumb pressed down on the lighter but got out of bed to move to the balcony door, not bothering to cover up as he smoked in the small opening, exhaling smoke into the night air. Joseph watched him silently, openly admiring the adult and mature body. There were scars, scratches and purple-red bruises decorating the skin, some made by the life the man led and some by Joseph.

"Me and Mary… we're getting a divorce."

Robert turned his head with brows raised in surprise. He had never really hoped for anything special with Joseph, choosing not to even label whatever it was between them. And yet, his pulse picked up and stomach tensed from the news.

Joseph shrugged his shoulders and smiled that self-deprecating smile Robert had seen only once before. "It… it's not surprising really…," he added.

"I'm… sorry to hear that," Robert said, the cigarette between his fingers momentarily forgotten. He meant that. Mary was not his enemy, despite her habits and personality because that would have been a clear case of the pot calling the kettle black, and in the end she was the mother of Joseph's kids.

The two men looked at each other calmly without any more words and time seemed to be suspended in the quiet bedroom with only the wind rustling the leaves outside in the night. Robert jerked when hot ashes fell down his knuckles and brought him back to reality.

* * *

Joseph took him out on his yacht and they spent the weekend talking, watching the sunset and fucking. The sheets on the bed in the lounge below deck were rumbled and smelled like the two men laying on top of them, feet tangled together and high pulse slowing down. Robert traced the tattoo on Joseph's bicep with his eyes, listening to the ocean outside of their small window and being rocked gently by the waves. Usually he needed a drink to fall asleep but the waves did a good job calming him down. Joseph ran his hands through his damp hair, smoothing it away from his brow and caught Robert looking at his tattoo when he turned his head.

"A memento from my youth. A friend helped me with it." The way he said friend was loaded with meaning yet Robert didn't comment. Joseph's next words took Robert by surprise.

"Would you... be alright with me giving you a tattoo?."

He couldn't blame the whiskey for his decision. It just felt like the right thing to do at the time and Robert had never really cared about the state his skin was in: he had a multitude of scars on different parts of his body from all types of adventures and misadventure. So a small tattoo wasn't that big of a deal.

The symbol was important to Joseph, "It's connected to faith and choosing the right path in life and death," he explained. "A strong and meaningful symbol… Just perfect for you," Joseph smiled that charming smile of his and winked at Robert when he looked up for a moment, a quick pause in his work at the desk in the yacht lounge, and then continued to push the needles and ink into Robert's skin. The lamp on the desk was tilted to shed light on where Joseph was working and his brows were knitted in concentration as he carefully traced each line. It hurt, the skin being thin in the crook of the thumb yet it was nothing Robert couldn't handle. He watched Joseph work, the small tattoo machine buzzing. It should have struck him as odd that Joseph had something like that ready for use. But like other things out of the ordinary concerning Joseph, Robert ignored it just like Joseph ignored and forgave his strange habits and flaws.

* * *

The were still different as individuals yet Joseph offered him what he wanted and needed so Robert grudgingly accepted that the youth minister questioned pineapple on pizza and believed that Eric Clapton was the superior guitarist. And that he didn't appreciate silence as much. Of course it meant Joseph was wrong but Robert could live with that, especially since he had other assets and talents. Like those long fingers and that tongue…

The closer the two men got to each other the more insistent Joseph became. He insisted Robert joined AA, and Robert did because their bond was more precious to him than drinking though it proved more difficult than Robert would have cared to admit. At that point, he was already entangled and Joseph Christiansen had become one of his vices.

The AA meetings were… interesting. The times Robert actually went that was. He had always been the type to fight his battles on his own, in private, at his own pace. Mainly by brooding and trying to reason his problems away. That didn't always work though. This time he had made a promise and tried to keep it by showing up and listening to the other people talk and talk and talk and then there were applauses and some more sharing of feelings. Robert came to the conclusion that Hell was an AA meeting just like the one he was stuck in: the evildoers sitting in their plastic chairs in a ring formation and sharing their personal failures with each other until the end of time.

And so Robert did what he did best: he made shit up. Shocking lies (with a nugget of truth in them) were the best kind of entertainment. The counselor wasn't as entertained though, sadly. Yet the silver lining came in the form of an offer to receive private AA counselling which Robert politely accepted and would attend, if an empty spot in his schedule would appear in the future.

* * *

How long had it been, weeks, months, over a year? Life for Robert was now divided in two parts; one with Joseph and one without. A large chunk of the one without was spent looking forwards to seeing Joseph again so he wouldn't think about his past regrets and troubles. He was doing better, drinking less and seeing that gym-junkie run at dawn made him even consider doing some of that himself. But then he remembered that running requires running and he had had enough of that in the army. He settled for some pushups and pullups in his bedroom and ending the session with a deserved greasy breakfast. Because he sometimes cooked now too. Robert had also re-discovered something he once enjoyed: whittling. It was easier to do when hands were steadier.

* * *

It was the season for neighbourhood BBQs and Joseph's was the grandest of them all in the cul-de-sac, of course. Though Brian had tried to outdo the man at one point yet now admitted defeat to the grill master that was Joseph Christiansen. And it was true, the man knew his steaks. Robert had asked once if he had sold his soul to the devil in secret for those skills. Joseph had merely winked mysteriously. A question the goody-two-shoes would have balked at in the past but now seemed to be able to take after spending time with Robert. The _thing_ between them had changed them both it seemed. Yet nothing had changed in the Christiansen household despite the talk about a divorce. Robert hadn't pushed, it wasn't his business how someone handled their marriage.

Joseph impressed and fed the guests as usual and Mary was nowhere to be seen. It had become awkward being around her for Robert so he found he was grateful for her absence. He played it cool and focused on the food and mingled with the other dads. Robert wore the shirt Joseph had given him. Usually he only had it on in his own house.

"Photo time!" Joseph declared after all the guests were done eating and the dads and the kids squeezed together to get into the shot. Robert was reluctant yet Brian pulled him in and then he was stuck in the middle. Joseph snapped the picture on his brand new camera and then the kids lost interest and ran away, leaving the dads.

"One more, with all the cool dads," he said with a smile and the group laughed and squeezed themselves together once more and Robert couldn't help but smile back as the camera flashed and clicked. Their eyes met when Joseph lowered the camera and Robert's heart skipped a beat.

Then some of the dads went over to ogle Joseph's new toy and the moment was gone.

Some more mingling and Robert pretended to be the gracious guest who stayed behind to help Joseph clear away when the other dads and their kids had left. Mary was still nowhere to be seen and Joseph's kids were asleep on the sofa in the living room, too tired to even move upstairs. Joseph covered them with a blanket and let them sleep while he and Robert were in the kitchen, filling the dishwasher.

Joseph was silent, which wasn't usual for him, and he seemed to be avoiding Robert's eyes. So this time Robert did the talking; "You okay?"

The plate in Joseph's hand was studied for a moment before he answered. "Let's move the tables to the garage," he looked up and said with a smile that was obviously forced.

The tables were left still outside and Joseph closed the door leading into the house behind him. After having spent time with the man, Robert had learned when Joseph was his relaxed self and when he was Youth Minister self. He was currently looking at the Minister. Robert crossed his arms over his chest to stave off the chill from the cool garage and his good mood was slipping away.

Joseph did the thing where he clasped his hands gently and tilted his head slightly to the side, getting ready to listen and offer advice to those seeking it. It rubbed Robert the wrong way.

"Robert… things have changed," Joseph began explaining.

"Mary is pregnant."

"... Congratulations…" Robert said with a nod, anger and hurt starting to boil up in the pit of his stomach.

"...But, that doesn't mean we have to stop." Joseph took a step closer to Robert and smiled.

"Nothing between us has to change."

His advances were met by Robert taking a step back and glaring at Joseph, mouth pulled down almost viciously in a snarl. He had fucked up by being with a married man, he knew. But there was always the sense of Joseph being trapped in a loveless marriage on the brink of self-destruction and so Robert had foolishly gone along with it, against his better judgement.

"I'm not your toy that you can just pull out and play with when in the mood Joseph!" Robert's voice had picked up and he didn't care if anyone heard. "This was a mistake, he said with a disgusted grunt to himself.

Joseph's eyes flitted nervously around the garage yet he maintained his usual composure and spoke in a calm and rational tone. "Robert, I understand that you are upset but-"

"But nothing. Go take care of your kids and wife." Robert held out his hand to stop the man from getting closer and try to cajole him into giving in, like had given into those comforting hands so many time before. But for the first time in a while Robert felt he saw clearly and he did not like what he was seeing. The sweater was pulled off hastily and thrown at Joseph who caught it before it hit him in the face and watched Robert leave without turning back.

Outside the sunny afternoon had been replaced by gray clouds and the rain came suddenly like an angry burst from the heavens and fell hard against the plastic tables, soaking Robert's back. Maybe it was punishment, or maybe the heavy rain would wash away his sins.

* * *

Time passes no matter one's troubles and makes it easier to revalue mistakes and bad decisions, though the pain often lingers. Robert had pulled out the memories and examined them between his fingers over and over again from all angles and in all kinds of moods, both sober and drunk. And he could only reach one conclusion in the end.

He had considered moving yet chose not to. Because he was tired from running from his problems even if it hurt and he despised the emotions he dragged with him every step like a ball and chain around his ankle, the weight a constant reminder of his failures. In the midst of all of this, Val had appeared and visited him during some time off from work. It was bitter-sweet the way they longed for each other and spoke of memories, until the bitterness won and Val slammed the door in frustration and hurt, and left her father to pick up his friendship with ol' Jack.

Suddenly things had gotten worse again.

But time also healed and gave people a second chance and Robert decided to take it. He had fallen off the wagon and not attended any AA meetings since the cluster-fuck with Joseph. Yet seeing the anger and disappointment in Val's beautiful dark eyes, now burned into his memory, forced him to try again. But this time without the help of comforting and guiding hands leading him. Robert still drank, but he had made friends throughout the years in Maple Bay so he spent some time going fishing with Brian, discussing music with Mat at the coffee shop or rewatching old favourite movies and shouting at the characters when they fucked up a mission or throwing indecent proposals at the ones he liked.

The earth kept spinning and life went on.

* * *

Years later the two men had formed some kind of civil truce, where Robert did his best to avoid any unnecessary involvement or even conversation with Joseph while Joseph kept up appearance by being the friendly Youth Minister, as always. As if nothing had happened between them. Except that Joseph could be seen wearing a familiar blue sweater around his shoulders sometimes and the rare occasions Robert and him would make eye contact on the street, Joseph's eyes would flash and swirl with lust and… something else. In those rare moments when the two men's eyes met, Robert despised Joseph for having tempted him. But also, Robert found he pitied the man, with the sparkling smile which blinded you enough to hide all the flaws and cracks in the facade. And Robert had his own reminder of one of his greatest mistakes in the form of the ink on his hand. He could have had it removed easily yet decided it would serve him as a warning instead for the rest of his life.

Mary and Robert became friends, bound by their boredom with existence and hurt caused by Joseph. They met up and drank together, exchanging stories and Mary was the only positive thing related to Joseph in Robert's life. She even introduced him to a new and better friend than Jack Daniel: a Boston terrier named Betsy.

In the end, Robert's angel was more a demon in disguise and he had given into him without abandon, no care about himself or others around him. Just another demon in the line of many in Robert's life...

And the tattoo forever imprinted on his skin was a reminder of his weakness. But also, a reminder of the salvation he had lost… and the sin he had let go.


End file.
